Divorce is never easy, and it becomes even more difficult when there are children involved. Knowing when and how to tell your children that you will be separating can be complex.
You know your children best, so you should always follow your own instincts on the best way to break the news.
That said, there are some tried and tested methods to help make the task a little easier. At the end of the day, splitting up will always be hard on your children, and all you can do is support them to the best of your ability.
There is no way to make it not difficult or not upsetting for your children. It’s important to remember that children don’t need their parents to stay together, they need two happy parents, so separating might be in their best interests – particularly if you’ve been fighting a lot.
Get on the same page
Tackling this task with your ex partner is important, but you need to get on the same page first. Both parents need to be willing to put their feelings aside and focus on their children.
If you can’t get on the same page as your ex, it might be best if you tackle the news alone, and then give your partner a chance to talk to the children on their own.
This can avoid the children getting conflicting messages, or giving them false hope that the relationship might be salvageable.
Choose your timing
Don’t break the news right before bed when they will be at their most tired and emotional. Also avoid doing it before school or before an important function.
It’s best to break the news in a private space, rather than out in public, and choose a time when the children have nowhere to be.
Keep it simple
Your children don’t need to know the legal ins and outs of divorce. They don’t need to know the financial implications. It’s also best to avoid placing blame on anyone.
They might learn about the finer points of your divorce when they get older, but until then, make it as simple as possible.
All they need to know is that you are separating as a couple, but that this won’t change your relationship as a family.
Let them ask questions
Expect the questions to come thick and fast – and if this doesn’t happen straight away, expect them to bubble up at a later date.
Children are curious and often want to make sense of things in their own way. Don’t be afraid of questions and try not to shut down conversations, even if you find them difficult to navigate.
If your child gets a sense that they aren’t allowed to discuss things, it could lead them to bottle up their emotions and become reclusive.
Let their school know
Their teachers are likely to spot a change in their mood and behaviour, so it’s better to inform them sooner rather than leaving them to guess.
If the teachers are informed, they will be able to offer much better support than if they are just left guessing.
Create a safe and calm home
You can’t control how your ex handles things, but you can control what goes on in your own home. You can decide to not place blame, to speak with kindness about your ex, to put your children at the centre of your motivations, and to focus on creating a safe and comforting space.
These actions will help to support your children as they navigate this new stage of their life.